Erotica Gatherer

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

“Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes
through three phases.
In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

Which one of the women below has the breast implants?

Who gives a shit?
Merry Christmas…

The body builder takes off his shirt, and the blonde says,

“What a Great Chest you have!”

He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.”

He takes off his pants, and the blonde says, “What massive Calves you have!”

The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby.”

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran Out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies : “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”

… the doctor replied, “Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing The tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn’t have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

“I am SO sorry,” said the doctor. “I really am. I don’t know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?”

“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man’s heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

-Ever wondered why?

……Because she smells like a new car.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the
workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina