Erotica Gatherer

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘Penises’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20′s, his Penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas Tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

Mrs O’Flynn was having a shower one day when, just as she bent down for the soap, she slipped and unbalanced, she did the splits and landed heavily on the soapy tiled floor of the shower.

Trying to get back up, she realized that her squelchy nether lips had produced a tight seal and she was stuck to the floor!!

“Paddy! Paddy!” She called to her husband, “Something terrible has happened so it has! I am stuck and I can’t get up!”

Her husband rushed to her aid but even with his help, trying to pull up on her armpits, she was stuck fast.

“To be sure, it’s no good, I am going have to get help. I’ll go and get Seamus from across the street and see if the two of us can shift you woman.”

Soon, Paddy returns with Seamus and they both take an arm and try to unplug Mrs O’Flynn, all to no avail.

“Bejeezus,” says Seamus, “the only thing for it is to break the seal somehow. Paddy we need to smash the tiles underneath her to let the air in.”

“Ok” say Paddy “I’ll go get my hammer, you start playing with her tits.”

“Play with her tits??” asks Seamus

“Aye” says Paddy, “I figure, if we can get her wet enough, we can slide her sideways into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there.”

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, honey bunch?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?”

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop… but at the bar… you know… they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?”

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?”

So he stayed home… and, they lived happily ever after.

1. The Doctor – who tells her to ‘take off all her clothes.’
2. The Dentist – who tells her to ‘open wide.’
3. The Milkman – who asks her ‘do you want it in the front or the back?’
4. The Hairdresser – who asks her ‘do you want it teased or blown?’
5. The Interior Designer – who assures her ‘once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!’
6. The Banker – who insists to her ‘if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!’
7. The Police Officer – who commands her to ‘spread THEM!’.
8. The Mailman – who always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot – who takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her ‘Keep quiet and lay still!’

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Q: Why is $ex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today… tomorrow you’ll have to do it again…

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% of gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% of boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY… it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later

Q: My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise. Why?
A: Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.

• They give like hell.
• They do not yell.
• They do not tell.
• They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

Signboard outside a prostitute’s house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy…

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.