Men Akhhh

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day,she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million. She explained that she had ‘charged’ him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.’
That’s when she shot him.

Man and Woman

Believe it or not
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman….

Why?
Because there is no place like home.

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now…
I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist

AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy.

‘Next Life’

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and
get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then
when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby
until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.

Woody Allen

Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day,
he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.

‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike
is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects
it from the rain.’

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in.’

‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk.. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’

‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, ‘All right,
that’s enough, I’ll do the fuckin’ dishes.