Erotica Gatherer

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.

‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD’S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady’s breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He’s laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

‘Why do you let the bartender do it?’

‘Because he has………….A LICKER LICENSE!

At the end of tax year, the IRS sent a revenue agent to examine / audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?

‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’

‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way: ‘What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’

‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.’

‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform?’

‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi. ‘What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick ‘.

A Kid asks: ‘Daddy? How did I come into this world?
The Daddy Answered: ‘ Well, my child, some day I’ll have to tell you any way,
The Kid asked again: ‘So why not today?’
The Dad Respond: Please, listen carefully:
Mom and Dad met each other in an internet café. In the bathroom of that
café, dad connected to mom.
Mom at that time made some downloads from dad’s memory stick.
When dad finished uploading we discovered we didn’t use any firewall.
Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.’

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

Out of breath he asked, ‘Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.’The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MP’s disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said, “I think I can fully understand your fear.”

The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either…!”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!’ That won him the top prize at the
pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’ I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out!’

So I did…

I Won’t be at Mass this week!

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — they don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ’special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened its mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer, “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up…

“I’ll try it -Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!”

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, ‘Well, Doc, it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried, too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked , and said, ‘You asked your neighbour?’The old man replied, ‘Yep. None of us could get the jar open.’