Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category
Tax Time
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”
Couples’ Massage
Lent
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her Catholic Groom had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “It’s Lent.”
In tears, she sobbed, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”
Snappy!
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.” She answers.
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, “I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
Night Call!
Telephone rings at night…
Husband: “If its for me then say that I am not at home”
Wife answers: “He is at home”
Husband: “What the hell?”
Wife: “It was for me.”
Nasty Child
A man goes to the church to confess:
“Hi father, my 5 year old son is very naughty. He made all the female servants pregnant.”
Father Incredulously “And how did he do it?”
“He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms!!”
High Tech Women
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
“That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said “Well, will you look at that… I’m getting a fax!!”
Not all blondes are stupid
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m ‘completely nude’.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…
“YES, YES, I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid… Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
Happy New Year Joke
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to for a fancy New Year’s Eve costume party… Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt, socks, or shoes on.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”
Santa’s Gift
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yes Sir,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!”
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, “Yes, he sure did!”
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”