Nasty Child
A man goes to the church to confess:
“Hi father, my 5 year old son is very naughty. He made all the female servants pregnant.”
Father Incredulously “And how did he do it?”
“He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms!!”
High Tech Women
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
“That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said “Well, will you look at that… I’m getting a fax!!”
Not all blondes are stupid
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m ‘completely nude’.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…
“YES, YES, I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid… Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
Happy New Year Joke
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to for a fancy New Year’s Eve costume party… Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt, socks, or shoes on.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”
Santa’s Gift
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
‘Nice bike,’ the cop said. ‘Did Santa bring it to you?’
‘Yes Sir,’ the little girl said, ‘he sure did!’
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, ‘Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!’
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, ‘Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?’
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, ‘Yes, he sure did!’
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
‘Next year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top. ‘
Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘Penises’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his Penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas Tree?”
“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”
Smart Solution
Mrs O’Flynn was having a shower one day when, just as she bent down
for the soap, she slipped and unbalanced, she did the splits and
landed heavily on the soapy tiled floor of the shower.
Trying to get back up, she realized that her squelchy nether lips had
produced a tight seal and she was stuck to the floor!!
“Paddy! Paddy!” She called to her husband, “Something terrible has
happened so it has! I am stuck and I can’t get up!”
Her husband rushed to her aid but even with his help, trying to pull
up on her armpits, she was stuck fast.
“To be sure, it’s no good, I am going have to get help. I’ll go and
get Seamus from across the street and see if the two of us can shift
you woman.”
Soon, Paddy returns with Seamus and they both take an arm and try to
unplug Mrs O’Flynn, all to no avail.
“Bejeezus,” says Seamus, “the only thing for it is to break the seal
somehow. Paddy we need to smash the tiles underneath her to let the
air in.”
“Ok” say Paddy “I’ll go get my hammer, you start playing with her
tits.”
“Play with her tits??” asks Seamus
“Aye” says Paddy, “I figure, if we can get her wet enough, we can
slide her sideways into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there.”
How marriage works!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, honey bunch?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?”
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop… but at the bar… you know… they have frozen glasses…”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?”
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
“But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?”
So he stayed home… and, they lived happily ever after.
The 10 Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life
- The Doctor – who tells her to ‘take off all her clothes.’
- The Dentist – who tells her to ‘open wide.’
- The Milkman – who asks her ‘do you want it in the front or the back?’
- The Hairdresser – who asks her ‘do you want it teased or blown?’
- The Interior Designer – who assures her ‘once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!’
- The Banker – who insists to her ‘if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!’
- The Police Officer – who commands her to ’spread THEM!’.
- The Mailman – who always delivers his package.
- The Pilot – who takes off fast and then slows down.
- The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her ‘Keep quiet and lay still!’
Hats are better than boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret looked him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”
Furious, Bert yelled,
“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat.”
