Erotica Gatherer

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

Out of breath he asked, ‘Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.’The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MP’s disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said, “I think I can fully understand your fear.”

The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either…!”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!’ That won him the top prize at the
pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’ I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out!’

So I did…

I Won’t be at Mass this week!

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — they don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ’special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened its mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer, “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up…

“I’ll try it -Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!”

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, ‘Well, Doc, it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried, too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked , and said, ‘You asked your neighbour?’The old man replied, ‘Yep. None of us could get the jar open.’

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s
attention.

So, when the computer asked h im to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in…

P…

E…..

N….

I…..

S…..

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer screen read:

PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH…

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?”

“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

“Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”

“Fook off you liar!”.

“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?”

“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”

Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath.
Tarzan removed his clothes.
All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked ‘Why’?
The animals told him……… ..’Your tail is in the front’

New tax effective Jan. 1, 2000

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it’s in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they’re nuts.
Effective January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:
10″-12″ Luxury Tax
8″-10″ Pole Tax
5″-8″ Privilege Tax
4″-5″ Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?