Erotica Gatherer

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!”

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, “Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.”
George said, “I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.”
Oprah said, “I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.”
George said, “Of course I still do the sex thing and I am quite good at it.”
Oprah said, “I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?”
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said,
“I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.”

George said, “The second time is even better than the first time.”
Oprah said, “You can really do it again at your age?”
George said, “Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes. ”

When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, “Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!”

George said that the third time would be even better.
“You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.”
Oprah said, “Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?”
George said, “No, but the last time I had sex with a black gal she stole my wallet.”

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day,
he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.

‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike
is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects
it from the rain.’

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in.’

‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk.. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’

‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, ‘All right,
that’s enough, I’ll do the fuckin’ dishes.

Environmentally friendly motorcycle?

Very interesting music video :)

Breasts augmentation has been all the rage in the last few years, it made me wonder why do many women, even career women and not only strippers or women who use their body parts as an attraction in their jobs, tend to go under the knife to have a size C or D cup; is it because with bigger breasts they can keep their men happier or maybe get the attention of other men??
Since men are visually stimulated, size does matter to most of them, and they are aroused by the size of a woman’s breasts, (same as women get excited by the size of a big penis too).
Assuming that most men are actually attracted by the beautiful and huge cleavage, what do they do when they get closer, and get to touch the big simulated breast, how does it feel ?
From looking only and not from experience, implanted breasts look to me too full and too firm, in contrast with the soft, bouncy and jiggly natural ones. Foreplay is important to achieve fulfillment in women, I keep wondering how fun is it for these women to have them squeezed, fondled, or even sucked?
After foreplay would their shape and position stay the same or some adjustments need to be taken care of, so they’re put back into place?!
If you have any idea out there let me know!!

Storiesonline.net has been offline for a few hours already. A posting on Lazeez’s blog explains that the outage was caused by a construction crew that severed the data centre’s link to the net.

Let’s hope it goes back up quickly.

A while back I read a story about a teen and a mature woman. He wanted her but she was reluctant.

Somehow, he gets his clothes dirty and then while she’s putting his clothes in the washing machine, he comes from behind and inserts himself into her somehow. She pretends that nothing is happening and doesn’t stop him at all.

I’ve looked everywhere for this story, I can’t remember the title, the author or where I read it.

If you know this story and where to find it, please let me know.