Erotica Gatherer

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause,

“But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy ‘That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’”

“Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it, Daddy.”

“And what happened, honey?”

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool?… Is this 555-5731?”

“No, I think you have the wrong number…”

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite.

“What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

The teacher responded by saying: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : ‘Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can’t I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :

O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! …… before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, ‘Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I’ve bought this week !’

God Said,

“Adam I Want you to do Something for me.”

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?”

God said, “Go down into that valley…”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him.

Then God said, “Cross the river…”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill…”

Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave…”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a Woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez…!”

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said

“What’s a headache?”

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns. His skin already blistering and he was
in extreme pain.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and he was also prescribed Viagra to be taken
every four hours.

The nurse, was rather astounded, and asked, ‘What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’

The doctor said, “Tom, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Tom was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…size 40 short.”

Tom laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Tom tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Tom admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Tom thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Tom and said, “Let’s see, 32 sleeves and 14-1/2 neck.”

Tom was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Tom tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Tom walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Tom thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see…size 32.”

Tom laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 30 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 30. A size 30 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS