Erotica Gatherer

The wife came home early and to her surprise found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman who was wearing the wife’s underwear and also what appeared to be the wife’s clothes on the floor.

She screamed at her husband ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me…a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !’
And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll ever say to me!’
And so the husband began to explain…

‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The husband took a quick breath and continued…

‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…

‘ Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?…

Woman’s Perfect Day

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in….5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and fresh warm croissants; open presents-expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with Frangipani Bath Oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, make-up application, shampoo, condition and blow-wave
12:00 Lunch and perfectly chilled white wine with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends: Unlimited Credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk - says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed with freshly ironed, crisp, white linens
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling but no sex
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

Man’s Perfect Day

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow-job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the Sports section
7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast — all cooked by buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to airport
9:15 Private Lear jet flight
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow-job en route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch - steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 Blow-job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world-record Marlin (1,234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news - Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy mouth-watering tender steak followed by ice cream served on big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing cold beer
11:30 Night-cap and blow-job
11:45 In bed…….alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces dog to leave room
11:51 Laugh self to sleep

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Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

Yours truly,
Loin Falcon Palin

Dear Husband

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything.

Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

—

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a man!’ My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed

Rich As Hell and Free!

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause,

“But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy ‘That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’”

“Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it, Daddy.”

“And what happened, honey?”

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool?… Is this 555-5731?”

“No, I think you have the wrong number…”

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying: “That would be rude and impolite.

“What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

The teacher responded by saying: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

I would say: “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : ‘Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can’t I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :

O.K. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! …… before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, ‘Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I’ve bought this week !’