Erotica Gatherer

A Saudi was being interviewed at the US Embassy to obtain visa:
Consul: Your name please?
Saudi: Abdul-Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Saudi: Six time a week!
Consul: I mean Male or female?
Saudi: Both male and female sometime even Camels!
Consul: Holy Cow!
Saudi: Yes, Cows & dogs too…
Consul: Man, isn’t that hostile?
Saudi: Horse style, dog style, any style!
Consul: Oh dear!
Saudi: Deer? No deer, they run too fast …..!

Very funny, LOL

The wife came home early and to her surprise found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman who was wearing the wife’s underwear and also what appeared to be the wife’s clothes on the floor.

She screamed at her husband ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me…a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !’
And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll ever say to me!’
And so the husband began to explain…

‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The husband took a quick breath and continued…

‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…

‘ Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?…

Woman’s Perfect Day

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in….5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and fresh warm croissants; open presents-expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with Frangipani Bath Oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, make-up application, shampoo, condition and blow-wave
12:00 Lunch and perfectly chilled white wine with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends: Unlimited Credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk - says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed with freshly ironed, crisp, white linens
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling but no sex
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

Man’s Perfect Day

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow-job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the Sports section
7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast — all cooked by buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to airport
9:15 Private Lear jet flight
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow-job en route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch - steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 Blow-job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world-record Marlin (1,234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news - Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy mouth-watering tender steak followed by ice cream served on big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing cold beer
11:30 Night-cap and blow-job
11:45 In bed…….alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces dog to leave room
11:51 Laugh self to sleep

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her ‘Loosen up Grams, These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!’ And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over
And that it is just not appropriate….
The grandmother says, ‘Loosen up, Sweetie, If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is returning home to Italy .

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’

The engaged woman giggled and said. that’s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?’

Check out this hilarious page:

Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

Yours truly,
Loin Falcon Palin

Two deaf people got married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes: ‘Honey, why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.’

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time and if she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times….

Dear Husband

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything.

Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

—

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a man!’ My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed

Rich As Hell and Free!