A lady went to a doctor asking for help with her sex life.
“Why don’t you just give your husband a viagra?” asked the doctor.
“He wont even take an asprin. He hates pills.”
“Just put it in his coffee he will never know, and come back in a week and tell me how things went.”
The next week, she came back and she was not happy.
“Was the sex not good?” asked the doctor.
“No it was the best sex I’ve ever had! I put it in his coffee like you said. He had one sip then he got this look of fire in his eyes. He pushed everything off the table and made love to me right there on the table!”
“Well, what’s wrong then?” asked the doctor.
“I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!”
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to for a fancy New Year’s Eve costume party… Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt, socks, or shoes on.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
“Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?”
“Yes Sir,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!”
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, “Yes, he sure did!”
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:
In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘Penises’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20′s, his Penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”
“A Christmas Tree?”
“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”
Mrs O’Flynn was having a shower one day when, just as she bent down for the soap, she slipped and unbalanced, she did the splits and landed heavily on the soapy tiled floor of the shower.
Trying to get back up, she realized that her squelchy nether lips had produced a tight seal and she was stuck to the floor!!
“Paddy! Paddy!” She called to her husband, “Something terrible has happened so it has! I am stuck and I can’t get up!”
Her husband rushed to her aid but even with his help, trying to pull up on her armpits, she was stuck fast.
“To be sure, it’s no good, I am going have to get help. I’ll go and get Seamus from across the street and see if the two of us can shift you woman.”
Soon, Paddy returns with Seamus and they both take an arm and try to unplug Mrs O’Flynn, all to no avail.
“Bejeezus,” says Seamus, “the only thing for it is to break the seal somehow. Paddy we need to smash the tiles underneath her to let the air in.”
“Ok” say Paddy “I’ll go get my hammer, you start playing with her tits.”
“Play with her tits??” asks Seamus
“Aye” says Paddy, “I figure, if we can get her wet enough, we can slide her sideways into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there.”