A man goes to the church to confess:
“Hi father, my 5 year old son is very naughty. He made all the female servants pregnant.”
Father Incredulously “And how did he do it?”
“He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms!”
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
“That was my pager,” she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said “Well, will you look at that… I’m getting a fax!!”
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m ‘completely nude’.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…
“YES, YES, I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid… Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
A lady went to a doctor asking for help with her sex life.
“Why don’t you just give your husband a viagra?” asked the doctor.
“He wont even take an asprin. He hates pills.”
“Just put it in his coffee he will never know, and come back in a week and tell me how things went.”
The next week, she came back and she was not happy.
“Was the sex not good?” asked the doctor.
“No it was the best sex I’ve ever had! I put it in his coffee like you said. He had one sip then he got this look of fire in his eyes. He pushed everything off the table and made love to me right there on the table!”
“Well, what’s wrong then?” asked the doctor.
“I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!”