Severe Solutions

Dear Staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPE (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle..

Sincerely,

The Management

A Damn Fine Explanation

The wife came home early and to her surprise found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman who was wearing the wife’s underwear and also what appeared to be the wife’s clothes on the floor.

She screamed at her husband ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me…a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away !’
And the husband replied ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll ever say to me!’
And so the husband began to explain…

‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.’
The husband took a quick breath and continued…

‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…

‘ Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?…

Perfect Day

Woman’s Perfect Day

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in….5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and fresh warm croissants; open presents-expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with Frangipani Bath Oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, make-up application, shampoo, condition and blow-wave
12:00 Lunch and perfectly chilled white wine with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends: Unlimited Credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk – says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed with freshly ironed, crisp, white linens
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling but no sex
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

Man’s Perfect Day

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow-job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the Sports section
7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast — all cooked by buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to airport
9:15 Private Lear jet flight
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow-job en route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch – steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 Blow-job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world-record Marlin (1,234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news – Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner – lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy mouth-watering tender steak followed by ice cream served on big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing cold beer
11:30 Night-cap and blow-job
11:45 In bed…….alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces dog to leave room
11:51 Laugh self to sleep

Aint This The Truth…..

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’

The engaged woman giggled and said. that’s pretty much my story! When my fiancĂ© got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?’