Comparison

Two boys were skinny-dipping and the one couldn’t help noticing the size of the other’s manhood, so he asked, “How did ya get it that big?”
The other boy responded, “Well I rub it down every night with lard.”

Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again, there was a comparison made, with no results.

The first boy said, “I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco.”

The other boy exclaimed, “Well, no wonder. That’s shortening.”

A marriage add

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had
no arms nor legs.

“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow said. “Just look at you — you have no legs!”

The old gentleman smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed??”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday…

Nudist colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

“Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style… it makes your nose look too short.”

Dentist Office…

An Old man has a bad tooth ache, he goes into the dentist office. The dentist brings him into the room and looks at the tooth, he tells the old man we cant fix it we need to pull it out! The dentist gets some novacane, the old man says I can’t take that…I am allergic to it! So the dentist leaves the room and comes back with some laughing gas…the old man says I can’t take that I am allergic to it! So the dentist is getting mad, leaves the room and comes back and sticks two pills in the old mans hand and says take these! The old man takes the pills and asks what were they? The dentist tells him it was Viagara! The old mans says Viagara??? the dentist says sure is…you are going to need something to hold onto while I pull your tooth out!

Great inventions

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, “I want to hang out with God.”

So the guy at the gates points God out to Ford.

When Ford gets to God, Ford asks, “Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

God says, “Yes.”

“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmmmm..” says God, “hold on”.

So God goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

He then says to Ford, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”