That Good Old Johnny
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!’ That won him the top prize at the
pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’
Taking a Woman to Bed
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed..
At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
Smart Old Bugger!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!”
‘Next Life’
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and
get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then
when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous,
then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you
become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby
until you are born.
And then you spend your last 9 months floating in
luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap,
larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
Woody Allen
Sex with an Older Man
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, “Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.”
George said, “I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.”
Oprah said, “I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.”
George said, “Of course I still do the sex thing and I am quite good at it.”
Oprah said, “I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?”
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said,
“I just don’t believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.”
George said, “The second time is even better than the first time.”
Oprah said, “You can really do it again at your age?”
George said, “Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes. ”
When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, “Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!”
George said that the third time would be even better.
“You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.”
Oprah said, “Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?”
George said, “No, but the last time I had sex with a black gal she stole my wallet.”
Vaseline
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day,
he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike
is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects
it from the rain.’
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in.’
‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk.. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs
the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, ‘All right,
that’s enough, I’ll do the fuckin’ dishes.
Catholic Upbringing
As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’ I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out!’
So I did…
I Won’t be at Mass this week!
How to Save the Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — they don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ’special services.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
