Santa’s Gift

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

“Nice bike,” the cop said. “Did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yes Sir,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!”

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you’ve got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, “Yes, he sure did!”

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘Penises’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his Penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas Tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

Smart Solution

Mrs O’Flynn was having a shower one day when, just as she bent down for the soap, she slipped and unbalanced, she did the splits and landed heavily on the soapy tiled floor of the shower.

Trying to get back up, she realized that her squelchy nether lips had produced a tight seal and she was stuck to the floor!!

“Paddy! Paddy!” She called to her husband, “Something terrible has happened so it has! I am stuck and I can’t get up!”

Her husband rushed to her aid but even with his help, trying to pull up on her armpits, she was stuck fast.

“To be sure, it’s no good, I am going have to get help. I’ll go and get Seamus from across the street and see if the two of us can shift you woman.”

Soon, Paddy returns with Seamus and they both take an arm and try to unplug Mrs O’Flynn, all to no avail.

“Bejeezus,” says Seamus, “the only thing for it is to break the seal somehow. Paddy we need to smash the tiles underneath her to let the air in.”

“Ok” say Paddy “I’ll go get my hammer, you start playing with her tits.”

“Play with her tits??” asks Seamus

“Aye” says Paddy, “I figure, if we can get her wet enough, we can slide her sideways into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there.”

How marriage works!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, honey bunch?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?”

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop… but at the bar… you know… they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?”

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?”

So he stayed home… and, they lived happily ever after.

The 10 Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life

  1. The Doctor – who tells her to ‘take off all her clothes.’
  2. The Dentist – who tells her to ‘open wide.’
  3. The Milkman – who asks her ‘do you want it in the front or the back?’
  4. The Hairdresser – who asks her ‘do you want it teased or blown?’
  5. The Interior Designer – who assures her ‘once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!’
  6. The Banker – who insists to her ‘if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!’
  7. The Police Officer – who commands her to ‘spread THEM!’.
  8. The Mailman – who always delivers his package.
  9. The Pilot – who takes off fast and then slows down.
  10. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her ‘Keep quiet and lay still!’

Hats are better than boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bert yelled,

“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat.”

Jane, Arlene and Camels

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, l! ooks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

In Love Sometimes you have to be Tough

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.”

Bedside Photo

After a long night of making love, The guy notices a photo of another man,
On the woman’s table by the bed. He begins to worry.
“Is this your husband?”He nervously asks.
“No, silly,” She replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend, then?” He continues.”No, not at all,”
She says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or your brother?”He inquires, hoping to be reassured.
“No, no, no! Oh….You are SO sexy when you’re jealous!”
She teases.
“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” He demands!!!!
She whispers in his ear “That’s me before the surgery.”

Gynecologist Visit

A beautiful woman went to see a gynaecologist.

The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the window. He told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That’s right,” said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.

“Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she panted, “You’re probably getting Aids: which is why I came to see you in the first place!”