Erotica Gatherer

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs:

In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘Penises’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20′s, his Penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas Tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

Mrs O’Flynn was having a shower one day when, just as she bent down for the soap, she slipped and unbalanced, she did the splits and landed heavily on the soapy tiled floor of the shower.

Trying to get back up, she realized that her squelchy nether lips had produced a tight seal and she was stuck to the floor!!

“Paddy! Paddy!” She called to her husband, “Something terrible has happened so it has! I am stuck and I can’t get up!”

Her husband rushed to her aid but even with his help, trying to pull up on her armpits, she was stuck fast.

“To be sure, it’s no good, I am going have to get help. I’ll go and get Seamus from across the street and see if the two of us can shift you woman.”

Soon, Paddy returns with Seamus and they both take an arm and try to unplug Mrs O’Flynn, all to no avail.

“Bejeezus,” says Seamus, “the only thing for it is to break the seal somehow. Paddy we need to smash the tiles underneath her to let the air in.”

“Ok” say Paddy “I’ll go get my hammer, you start playing with her tits.”

“Play with her tits??” asks Seamus

“Aye” says Paddy, “I figure, if we can get her wet enough, we can slide her sideways into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there.”

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, honey bunch?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?”

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop… but at the bar… you know… they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?”

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?”

So he stayed home… and, they lived happily ever after.

1. The Doctor – who tells her to ‘take off all her clothes.’
2. The Dentist – who tells her to ‘open wide.’
3. The Milkman – who asks her ‘do you want it in the front or the back?’
4. The Hairdresser – who asks her ‘do you want it teased or blown?’
5. The Interior Designer – who assures her ‘once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!’
6. The Banker – who insists to her ‘if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!’
7. The Police Officer – who commands her to ‘spread THEM!’.
8. The Mailman – who always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot – who takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her ‘Keep quiet and lay still!’

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret looked him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, Bert yelled,

“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat.”

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, l! ooks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.”

After a long night of making love, The guy notices a photo of another man,
On the woman’s table by the bed. He begins to worry.
“Is this your husband?”He nervously asks.
“No, silly,” She replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend, then?” He continues.”No, not at all,”
She says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or your brother?”He inquires, hoping to be reassured.
“No, no, no! Oh….You are SO sexy when you’re jealous!”
She teases.
“Well, who in the hell is he, then?” He demands!!!!
She whispers in his ear “That’s me before the surgery.”

A beautiful woman went to see a gynaecologist.
The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all
his professionalism went out of the window.
He told her to get undressed. 
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While doing so he asked her, ’Do you know what I am doing?’
‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.’
‘That’s right,’ said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts .
 ’Do you know what I am doing now?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.’
‘Correct,’ replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and
started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
 ’Do you know what I am doing now?’
‘Yes,’ she panted, ‘You’re probably getting Aids:
  which is why I came to see you in the first place!’

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window; It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”

Another runner moved along side. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Nope …just when it’s raining.”