Erotica Gatherer

God Said,

“Adam I Want you to do Something for me.”

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?”

God said, “Go down into that valley…”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him.

Then God said, “Cross the river…”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill…”

Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave…”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a Woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez…!”

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said

“What’s a headache?”

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible
sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns. His skin already blistering and he was
in extreme pain.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and he was also prescribed Viagra to be taken
every four hours.

The nurse, was rather astounded, and asked, ‘What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’

The doctor said, “Tom, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Tom was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… a new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see…size 40 short.”

Tom laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Tom tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Tom admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Tom thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Tom and said, “Let’s see, 32 sleeves and 14-1/2 neck.”

Tom was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Tom tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Tom walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Tom thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see…size 32.”

Tom laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 30 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 30. A size 30 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.

‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD’S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady’s breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He’s laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

‘Why do you let the bartender do it?’

‘Because he has………….A LICKER LICENSE!

At the end of tax year, the IRS sent a revenue agent to examine / audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?

‘Good question,’ noted the Rabbi. ‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’

‘Oh,’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way: ‘What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’

‘Ah, yes,’ replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.’

‘I see,’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. ‘Well, Rabbi,’ he went on, ‘what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform?’

‘Here, too, we do not waste,’ answered the Rabbi. ‘What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick ‘.

A Kid asks: ‘Daddy? How did I come into this world?
The Daddy Answered: ‘ Well, my child, some day I’ll have to tell you any way,
The Kid asked again: ‘So why not today?’
The Dad Respond: Please, listen carefully:
Mom and Dad met each other in an internet café. In the bathroom of that
café, dad connected to mom.
Mom at that time made some downloads from dad’s memory stick.
When dad finished uploading we discovered we didn’t use any firewall.
Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.’

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

Out of breath he asked, ‘Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.’The nun agreed. Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MP’s disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said, “I think I can fully understand your fear.”

The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don’t want to go to Iraq either…!”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!’ That won him the top prize at the
pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’ I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out!’

So I did…

I Won’t be at Mass this week!